4 and no more: one moment can change the rest of your life

it's been almost a year since my last blog and i'm writing for the same reasons as i did a year ago. the next several weeks are going to be a very emotionally difficult time for me. it's a first birthday, 2 one year anniversaries of losing someone close to me and an upcoming divorce. this last year and a half have been an incredible struggle for me as a mom, as a person. did it make me stronger? no. but it did teach me that i can bend pretty damn far. it taught me that not everyone is trustworthy. that almost every guy is the same. that no matter how hard you try to hold on to someone or something, eventually you have to let them go. it taught me that the idea we have planned out for our lives can be changed in a matter of moments. even though i had my absolute rock bottom lows at certain points, eventually i made it through them.

one year ago i was taking my first baby, my big girl to the vet to learn that no type of surgery or treatment could save her and that i had minimal amount of time with her. she had a huge lump in her throat which made it very hard for her to eat and breathe at times. there was nothing i could do. this sweet girl that had truly been my best friend for 13 years was dying. i was also pregnant for the 4th time that was a completely unexpected pregnancy and totally not in my plans. a grandma who was back and forth to the hospital in so much pain. i wasn't prepared for what the next 4 weeks had in store for me.

i get one final weekend with my sweet girl at the lake before she takes a terrible turn for the worse. unknowingly to me that when i left the house to have my baby it would be the last time i got to walk out and see her. she meant everything to me and was there for me when literally no one else was. she lived in a basement, eating macaroni and cheese with me for almost 6 months, when i had no money, no friends. nothing. she was my first baby that went everywhere with me. my best friends in high school gave her to me at 6 weeks old. i trained her. she was mine. the night before i started going into labor she was up and down, pacing the floors. i thought she was in pain but really she knew what was happening with me. she was worried just like she had always been every single time i was pregnant. when i left i think i told her goodbye and that i would be bringing her baby brother home soon not knowing she would never get to meet him. i'm rushed into an emergency csection panicking not knowing if everything is going to be ok with me, with him while his daddy stands outside frantically worried. yes, you read that right. his daddy didn't get to see him be born. two days after he was cut from me, i had to make one of the hardest decisions i've ever had to make. i had to choose to let my best friend, my "first born" child go. i cried the entire day. i wasn't ready for that. she never got to meet her brother. but she knew that me and him were both ok and that's what she wanted.

now back to the other part. i don't care what you think of me. i don't care if you like what i did. it's not your life. don't judge me. unless you were there you have NO idea. if you aren't prepared to hear the truth then just stop reading now. keep your rude, hateful comments to yourself. so while i'm laid on the OR table being sliced open, houston's daddy stands outside the doors wondering what is going on. is his son ok? am i ok? no one would tell him anything. no one knew. at this time only his family and 3 friends knew the truth. they were supportive in every single way possible. we wanted to protect our son. i did what i had to do in order to do that too. he sacrificed getting to share his joy and announce to the world he had a son, that he was a father all just to keep me and my kids safe from ridicule. but now the time has come, it's time he be able to share his joy. he was the proudest daddy i ever saw. he's still the proudest daddy ever! even to the 3 that aren't his.

after the whirlwind of an unexpected delivery, making a decision that ultimately changed my life i was leaving the hospital going home to an empty house without her there and my grandma was leaving her house for the last time, never to return. she was like a mother to me. she taught me how to cook, sew, make cakes and just showed me how a grandma was supposed to be. we were close. i was like her daughter. i spent every moment possible at her beside. i was recovering from a csection, i have a brand new baby at home that i'm having to leave, i am so swollen i can barely move and walk by the days end but i still went. i wouldn't go back and change it either. that was the hardest 3 weeks of my entire life!!! in a matter of 27 days i had a baby, buried my dog of 13 years, buried my grandma and filed for divorce. in an 8 week span i had all that plus another surgery. i was struggling just to keep my head above water. i felt like the entire world was coming down and it basically was. the first 3 months of my baby's life was a complete blur. i honestly don't remember much of it. i probably should have been put on some sort of medication for the stress but i let it go. and it has drug out for an entire year. just a few weeks ago i finally had the emotional breakdown and completely lost it. the years troubles had finally surfaced. i had time to really stop, breathe and think about everything that's happened.

if you all know me and know me well then you know i absolutely hate hate HATE cliches!!! nothing more than those. especially the saying "everything happens for a reason". that's the worst and makes me gag. but this last year has proved to me that in fact, everything does. my best friend from high school, who i had lost touch with came back around shortly after ainsley was born in march 2012. he was here with me, to share with me the last year of "our first child". i'm so glad he was. and on the day our son was born, she was letting go. just a short 2 weeks later my grandma slipped away. while you may not agree with how circumstances played out, i really don't care. we crossed paths again at this exact moment in time for a reason. we were given this baby to help ease the pain of alex and mawmaw passing. it was meant to be this way. we were best friends for 15 years, even though there was a span of time we didn't see or talk to each other we both still thought of each other occasionally. but once we were reunited, it was as if we never missed a single year or moment. we were supposed to go our separate ways back then so we could grow as adults and experience life only to find our way to each other again to share one moment in time that brought us together in the first place.

he was here for me, by my side, protecting me and my children. he was here with me as our sweet big girl left our lives and we were given another wonderful blessing. he was there holding my hand when mawmaw was laid to rest. he proved to me that not every guy was going to hurt me like the rest of the men that have came into my life. he proved that years ago. he's always took care of me and been different than the rest. now 2 years later he's still helping me be a better version of myself. he's still standing strong beside of me, being my bodyguard like he was in high school. we have always been a great pair even though we had no romantic relationship of any kind years ago. we were perfect for each other. we always knew what buttons not to push, we could always make the best out of a craptastic situation. we never had to force anything. it was just there. even now with 4 kids, a house and all of life's daily struggles we still don't have force it. it just comes. not saying there aren't times where we have to work a little harder at being us because there isn't much time for couple stuff when you do have kids, especially 4. but we find the small moments and relish in those.

while i dread the next 3 weeks for fear of reliving the "at this time last year, this was happening" i know that he's going to be right there to catch me. he's going to tell me it's ok to cry, to be pissed off, to let it go. he's going to help me make it through. we're going to be there with each other. i used to think people in relationships who said "they are my best friend" were crazy. maybe it's because i was in all the wrong relationships. i get it now. he absolutely is my best friend. he was before all of this. he always has been. he always will be before anything else. he's always put me before himself. he's even said if walking away made me happier or made it easier on me, as hard as it would be for him to do he would. no one else has ever done that for me. he is a once in a lifetime. while i may never get married again, i may never even get engaged again i do know that i want to spend the rest of my life with this man that loves me for exactly who i am, flaws, faults, past and all. he loves each one of my kids equally and misses them almost more than i do when they aren't with us. he makes me be a better person. he makes me want to be a better person.

this life would kill me if i didn't have you.