the last week has been one of the hardest weeks i have ever had to go through. so much heart break with a touch of happiness. in just a few days i said hello to a new life and goodbye to an old one. and if i can make it through this blog without breaking down i'll be proud of myself because the tears are already starting to cloud my eyes. everything happened so fast it almost feels like a nightmare, one that i can't seem to forget.
sunday april 14 the weather was amazing, it was sunny and almost 80 degrees. we had made plans to take the kids and Alex to the lake. just to have a small 'get away' since i was too pregnant to go anywhere farther than an hour away and just to make the most of what time we may have left with her. we loaded the car up, matthew, jordan, chase, all 3 kids and Alex, took the girll and ice cream maker, stopped for lunch on the way and went to the grocery store get things to grill later that night. we make it to the lake and just as last time the boys take off running to the edge, throwing rocks and sticks. we had to pick Alex up out of the back of the car because she is too old to jump anymore and she walks down to the waters edge with the boys. we spent the day sitting on the dock, talking, enjoying the beautiful weather. the boys still playing ankle deep in the water throwing rocks and Alex wondering around like she always did exploring, only a little slower this time. she went to the neighbor's dock in front of us and laid down for a while watching the ducks and geese swim. she was so happy. i had taken my big camera with me and just took random pictures of her playing in the water, laying on the dock. i haven't loaded those pictures yet because i'm just not ready for those. the day's events replaying in my mind are hard enough as it is. later that night we grilled hot dogs and hamburgers. we were going to make homemade ice cream but ran out of time so we packed the car and loaded babies up. i picked Alex up myself and put her in the car. first time i've picked her up in years. she was so small, what was once a 50lbs small stature lab was now a barely 40lb and so fragile. i rode in the back seat with her the whole way home petting her, her laying right beside of me like always, another thing i am so glad i did.
i contracted from about dusk through sunday night til the next morning just as i had done all day friday night as well. of course i didn't think anymore of it when the drs office called to tell me i had a UTI and called in some meds for me. i contracted all night tuesday and what's so strange throughout the entire night Alex kept getting up and walking over to the side of my bed. just like she did when she knew something was wrong. she hadn't been sleeping good in the last 3 weeks. it was getting harder for her to breathe but that night she was just restless. every hours or 2 i would wake up to her standing beside the bed. she couldn't bark or whine anymore but i would hear her. i would ask her what was wrong and pet her and she would go lay back down but it wasn't long again until she was right back beside of me. wednesday morning i woke up to an awful pain in my stomach. i was contracting but from the top of my belly and it was so intense it was making me throw up! i was also contracting from the bottom of my stomach as well. matt knew when i was standing in the bathroom crying and throwing up something was wrong. again, Alex knew the night before and was trying to tell me. we called the office and they wanted me to go straight to L&D.
i get to L&D and they check me. i'm 1cm and thick. so they hang fluid like always to see if the contractions will stop. two and a half hours later i'm still contracting regularly and by regular i mean every 2 minutes. my contractions don't start every 5 minutes, we go straight to 2! andrea checks me again, now i'm 2.5-3cm and thinning. so they hang another bag of fluid and decide to give me a shot or phenergan too because i'm still throwing up at this point and every time i throw up it makes me contract worse, i'm crying because the pain is so intense! and i'm not one to cry or whine during labor. i've had 2 natural i'm pretty sure i can handle it but this was awful!! rebekah came in and decided to check me too, it's now 2:30ish and she said i was 4cm and 80%. when i told her that i hit 4cm and my water breaks her face went blank. she got up and called dr williams to inform him. she wanted to do an ultrasound too because when she checked me she said she didn't feel the head. as soon as the machine started there were his feet at the base of my stomach. my heart sank!! i wanted to panic!! by 4pm rebekah checked me again and i was 5-6cm and still thinning quickly. they had already called dr williams and he was on his way. rebekah walked in with papers and told me they were prepping me for a STAT csection. i immediately lost it and started crying. my worst fear just came true. if my water had broke it would have been emergency. i just don't know how my water hadn't broke yet. i was contracting so hard trying to breathe through, i wasn't allowed any pain meds still so i was sitting up, feeling pressure and just breathing through it while matt, casey and chase sat there watching and waiting. by 4:30 dr krug came in to explain his job (he was the one to give me the fun drugs as he called them) but i didn't think they were too fun. laying stretched out on a table not able to move or feel anything yet awake for a major surgery isn't my ideal!! he said we were waiting on dr williams to get there and we were ready. the door opens, there sits the dr, krug walks out, hands a nurse papers, walks back in with 2 nurse and i'm freaking out. i am in full blown panic mode!!!
they're wheeling me down the hall, andrea my nurse wasn't able to go back with me which made me panic even more! i wanted someone else there i knew who had been taking care of me. as soon as i get into the room they put me on the table which was barely wide enough for my 150lb body to lay on. i get my spinal and as soon as i lay down my blood pressure bottoms out and i immediately feel sick. krug told me it would pass while waving an alcohol pad over my nose. yeah it didn't. i started throwing up like crazy again! the drink they gave me beforehand sorta didn't work!! i got sick 4 more times, they have to give me BP meds and 3 different times nausea meds. all this before matt was even able to come in. the sheet went up, matt sits down and i'm still freaking out. i feel people touching and shaking me, asking who that is, what they're doing, am i cut open, what's that smell? i was terrified!! i barely even remember them saying he was out because i was so nervous. i did hear him cry and dr williams say "it's a boy". he cried, i heard dr lawrence talking to the nurses trying to make sure he was ok. she said to me "he's little be i'll take care of him" i told her i trusted her, she taped matt on the shoulder and they were gone. i'm still being sewn up and put back together. then taken to recovery and no one knew where i was at for several hours. the most uncomfortable and uneasy feeling is being able to see your feet and legs but not feel them or be able to move them. no matter how hard i tried i couldn't move them. my csection was at 5pm and i was just starting to feel my legs somewhat about 9pm. i still wasn't able to see houston yet, nobody was except through the glass. he's tiny but didn't need too much help breathing. so many things could have gone way worse had my water broke, he's born at 34 weeks, no steroids, this is my first trip to the hospital other than the stomach bug. things just happened so fast!
11pm and chase gets a phone call that Alex is getting worse. he leaves the hospital to come check on her and comes back to the hospital. he said she's ok just not feeling good. i was finally able to see houston about midnight but for only a few minutes. they didn't want to leave him out too long. the next day he was doing so good he got to spend the entire day in the room with me. again later that night jordan calls chase and when i answered his phone i could tell something was wrong. she said matthew was on the floor, on his hands and knees scrubbing blood and bawling his eyes out. she was getting worse, fast!! i needed to get out of that hospital, she needed me too!!! but i was stuck. i felt so helpless. they got her cleaned up and put her in the truck to bring her to the hospital to see me. i told all the the nurses what was going on. this was my first time being up walking since my surgery but i had to see her. chase & i took houston back down to the nursery for the night and met matthew and jordan in the parking lot. when he pulled up to the door she sat up in the seat. when chase opened the door and she heard my voice she tried her best to get out to me. we pushed her back in and i loved on her. i had taken one of houston's shirts he was wearing out there with me so she could smell him. i told her that he was here and we were both ok. everything was fine now and she could stop worrying. that she knew, like always the night before that he was coming and that's what she had been trying to tell me. i told her over & over that we were fine, we were ok and it was ok for her to let go. i knew she was tired but that she waited and i was so glad she did but that now it was time for her to rest. i almost begged her to just please let go. i told her over and over that i loved her, that she was a good girl. she had been a very good girl and she was still my first baby. she had taken care of me for 13 years. she laid down in the seat and tried so hard to get comfortable but she just couldn't. finally she laid down and put her head in the floor board. matthew, jordan, chase and i stood there crying and we decided it was time. we couldn't stand to see her suffering anymore. matthew asked to take her home and he would stay with her in hopes that she would just to sleep that night and not wake back up. i agreed and let him but said that if she were to still be awake in the morning to take her, that she had fought so long and hard. i wasn't ready to let go! but i knew i had to.
i barely slept that night thinking about her. matthew said he laid on the floor with her all night thinking several times she went but didn't. so he made the dreaded drive. i asked him to please call me before the vet did it so i could be on the phone with her since i wasn't able to be there with her. he called me, chase was on momma's phone, jordan on her mom's phone. we were all talking to her in the anticipation of the dreaded. i was holding houston in my arms bawling. every time i would speak to her she would turn and look. once houston cried and they said she heard him too. she knew exactly who he was. then the vet gave her a shot to relax her and asked everyone to walk away. they left me and chase there on the phone with her until her very last seconds. i heard the vet say "she's gone" my heart shattered into a million pieces! i was holding the new life that just arrived while she slipped out of mine. she was more than just a dog, she was honestly a child to me. my first child. i had 13 wonderful years with her full of many fun memories. i didn't want to come home. i was worried to come home. then after houston wasn't able to come home that just made it a thousand times worse. i was coming home without him and without her. i walked in sunday morning, walked down the hall to my bedroom and saw my belly cast hanging on the wall with her paw print and just lost it. i heard her nails on the hardwoods walking down the hall to check on me like she always did if i was in the back of the house too long. things just aren't the same here without her. i love maci don't get me wrong but Alex was just special. she was an old soul. i think about it now, how i never wanted 4 kids and that God gave me houston because he knew this was coming. he gave him to me to maybe try to make things easier for me. i have happiness and great sadness at the same time when looking at him. knowing that by gaining him i had to lose her. while some may think i'm so stupid for being so upset over a dog, if you had only ever met her you'd understand. she wasn't a just a dog. she was a friend, a best friend one i had when i didn't have anyone else. now there's just an empty hole there without her that no matter how much i try i can never replace. even with the great love for my children. one thing that brought me comfort was finding a penny in the diaper bag, a bag that hasn't been used in over a year and it flipping out, heads up on his clothes with the date 2000. the year she was born. she's still here watching out for us just like she always did.
No comments:
Post a Comment