it's been exactly 38 days since Ainsley was born or easier to say, 5.5 weeks. we've been breastfeeding since my milk came in at almost 5 days after she was born but the last week has been the hardest. she's been spitting more, barely sleeping, nursing every 2 hours or less. some may say it's a growth spurt but i can argue that. it's that hateful 'aunt' that all women never want to come visit. yup, that's right an exclusively breastfed baby and wonderful dear aunt flo returned. it SUCKS!!! this isn't suppose to happen. everything that's suppose to happen while breastfeeding isn't for me. just like you're suppose to loose weight, i've either gained or not lost at all. your monthly subscription isn't suppose to return as long as you're nursing either and babies aren't suppose to spit up breastmilk as much either & gain weight rapidly. yeah none of that is working for us. i've had very little sleep since saturday night, she's been very fussy which isn't like her AT ALL. i couldn't even put her down yesterday and get anything done. she's spitting up even more now than she did before so i don't know if the meds she was given last week are even working or not. 2 days after she got them AF returned. i haven't skipped feedings and given her bottles so why the hell am i one of these unlucky women that this happened to?! i've done everything right and really wanted to give breastfeeding a great effort even had a goal of nursing for 4 months maybe even 5, at least until she started cutting teeth. but now i honestly want to give up!!
i don't feel like i'm not getting any of the benefits nursing moms are 'suppose' to get and she isn't either. breastfed babies are suppose to spit less and gain weight rapidly. she spits just as much with breastmilk as she does formula. it's not freaking fair!! why is it where my uterus is concerned nothing operates like it's suppose to?! i cried all night last night and pretty much off & on today. it's my fault she's fussy because after much reading (thank you google) with returning cycles babies can be fussy with the surge in hormones, your milk supply decreases and your milk changes taste. you also become tender making it uncomfortable to nurse. i knew she was getting a good latch since wednesday so that couldn't possibly be why i was tender, now i know why. so here this is my fault and there's nothing i can do to fix it but stop breastfeeding, which is something i don't want to do. i said i wanted to give it a really good try this time so i feel like giving up this soon isn't giving it a good effort. everyone has said the first 6 weeks are the hardest, well to me they've been pretty easy but those women didn't have their periods return before then either. this changes everything!! i can't deal with her being like this one week or more out of the month and i know she feels awful too. she doesn't sleep as good as usual, she's spitting even more which i know is uncomfortable to her. we've slept sitting up in chairs, her laying on my chest just so both of us can get at least 2 hours of sleep and my back can certainly tell it too. is this what breastfeeding is? of so, no freaking wonder i didn't do it with the other 2 because this seriously SUCKS!! she's not gaining weight like they want her to either. she's only gained 5oz in since her march 5th appointment and while the dr says it's good she's not loosing it's certainly not enough or what they want to see. well what the heck can i do about it?! shouldn't they know if they have me supplementing that this would happen? that my milk & supply would change and she wouldn't want to nurse? which i haven't been or skipping feedings. the only time she gets a bottle is after she's already nursed and throws it all up and wants more. well i have nothing left to offer her after she's spit it all up.
so now i'm at a cross road, do i continue and deal with this every freaking month or do i just stop? i've cried all day thinking about it and torn in what to do. i've had several mom friends tell me that i've nursed this long, which is great and i have to do what's best for both of us and if a bottle is what's best then do that. but i'm afraid if i quit i'll regret it but i can't continue to go through this and neither can she. i've liked not having bottles to wash, not having to worry about "oh gosh did we pack some extra bottles & formula" before we leave the house for the day, not having to buy formula (which is really expensive and i feel with me not working this is my contribution in saving us money) and that at family gatherings when everyone has to pass my child around or i walk in the door and they're trying to jerk her out of my arms as soon as we walk in i get to smile cheeky at them and happily tell them "i'm sorry but she needs to eat" and go sit in another room for 30 mins or more and they can't bother us. because you all know how much i absolutely HATE HATE HATE people passing my kids around or as soon as i walk in the door with her they're jerking her out of my hands or get pissed off because i don't get her out of the seat so they can hold her. because when she's messed with and wakes up she's ready to eat. so pulling blankets off of her to see what outfit she's wearing, messing with her bows doesn't mean that because she wakes up you get to hold her. it means you just basically handed her right back to me. but that's another blog... she has another weight check wednesday and i'm going to ask the dr and lactation nurse what they think i should do and if need be i'll go back to the OB but i have a feeling that since AF has started now she's going to continue returning every month and there's really nothing that can be done to stop it since birth control doesn't work with my body either. it's not like i can continue to nurse and it magically just stops. this is just so frustrating and upsetting. dealing with reflux and constant spitting up is hard enough in it's self but then to add this problem on top of it just makes it that much harder. so moms, what would you do?
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