i never thought i would want another baby so soon. Jaxon's not even 2 months old yet and it's really itching at me. i want that little girl. i want to be able to buy pink for MY babies, not everybody else's! you would think out of 5 grandkids there would be at least 1 girl from the bunch but no. me & my sister in law both have boys, ALL boys. i could tell my in laws were disappointed to hear that both of their daughters were pregnant but BOTH of them were having boys. i love my boys, don't get me wrong but i want to be able to shop on the other side of the store for once. and for MY little girl. some people will tell me i'm ungrateful or i should just be happy i have what i have. well either those people only have 1 child & it's the gender they wanted, they have 1 of each or none at all. i know it was meant this time for me to have a boy, i really believe that because of how things worked out with his name and how he was born but when do i get MY chance? when do i get to pick out my name for a little girl and actually use it? when do i get to decorate a room with pink things and have people just flock over how cute her little dress and shoes are? people don't do that with boys. when you're pregnant with a boy people telling you "aww congrats" but is that really a sincere congrats? when you're pregnant with a girl they immediatly start talking about all the "wonderful" things you can do together like go shopping, plan her wedding or go shopping for her baby one day. my son's can't expirence and understand that. i can't expirence it with them. one day when they marry a girl it'll be her & her mom doing those things, not me.
sometimes it doesn't bother me and other times it rips me apart like it is now and i just sit & cry about it. nobody can understand unless they've really been there. all they can say is i shouldn't be so ungrateful. yea thanks for the support. i thought we as women needed to support each other because if we don't support each other then who else will. i just wished i knew what it was like to be able to shop on the other side of the store for real. i wished i knew what it was like to buy pink for me and not someone else. you know i don't even venture over to the other side of the stores anymore because it only upsets me. and i know it's just a dream that will never come true. i just know if or when we have a third baby it's going to be another boy. i'm REALLY going to try so hard this time not to get my hopes up or even think, wish, dream or want a girl because it's just not going to happen. it's not meant for me to have a girl for some reason. it's just not. i would have another baby right now if matt wanted one. i've just got that itch so bad and i don't know WHY?! i hated being pregnant this time after 25 weeks. i was so over it and then the dayum doctors treated me like crap and kept making my body push it's limits and look what happened. i haven't even lost the weight from Jaxon yet. is this just my inner desire hoping that if i get pregnant again i get a girl or do i really just want a third baby that bad? people think i'm crazy as it is already for wanting another baby after going through everything i went through. but it's not their decision untimately it's mine. yea Matt has to sort of make the call too but he's said really it's my body, it's me that's going to have to suffer through all of this again. because after Branson coming early and now Jaxon coming like he did and as early as he tried to come [31 weeks] then it's a given i will go through all of this again. we'll see i guess. i wished i could just be like the Duggar's and just let God's will be done. if we got pregnant then we got pregnant and that's how it was suppose to be. that's how God wanted it to happen but we just can't. i know Matt won't. i don't think God will give us anything he doesn't think we can't handle and apparently he thinks i can handle having premature babies, preterm labor and a car birth i've seemed to endure and made it through. maybe we should just leave it that way? maybe i really should start praying about it?
Do what you want to do love and don't worry about other people! Feel what you want to feel! As a human, you have a right to feel whatever the heck you want to feel and as Americans you have the right to speak it. You are right when you say that it's God's will, but that doesn not mean that you are wrong or unappreciative for wanting and desiring a little girl. There are things girls can give their mommas that boys can't just as there are things boys can give their mommas that girls can't. You never know though, Branson or Jaxon's future wives may have a closer relationship with you than with their own mothers. I have faithe that you will get your girl. You would make a wonderful mother to a baby girl. Keep your head up :-D I love you!
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